


Journal of a Once-Dead Warden

by Fire_Kitten



Series: Who Died and Made Me the Hero? [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Also mush, Angst probable, Basically it could be spoilery for the main fic, Blight entries too, Entries from Inquisition, F/M, Feels, Her head is hardly the best place for them rn, Kat really misses Ali okay?, Kat's Journal, Kat's gotta get her thoughts down somewhere, Rating is more for Kat's foul mouth, Timeline will be messy af, companion work, diary format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-04-07 09:37:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14078043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fire_Kitten/pseuds/Fire_Kitten
Summary: A Companion work to my current long fic in-progress Of Mages and Monsters.Katarina Amell kept extensive journals right up until she died, however she scattered the various volumes all over Ferelden and left only cryptic clues to their locations inside the front of the last journal. As far as most people know they've never been found. And that's what Alistair wants everyone to think.Of course coming back from the dead tends to give a Warden a lot to ponder so a new chapter is begun...May update randomly & chapters will likely jump between Tara!Kat in the Inquisition and Warden!Kat in the Blight.





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

> This work will make a lot more sense if you've already read [The Best Laid Plans](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13315137) and if you're reading [Of Mages and Monsters](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13554531/chapters/31102464)
> 
> If you think I'm procrastinating writing the next chapter of OMAM then you're absolutely right. But I really want to have this side-project going alongside the main fic so I needed to start it sooner rather than later. I'm looking forward to the different format as I do *love* epistolary stories and it'll give me the chance to show sides of Tara you might not see in the main fic.
> 
> So I hope you enjoy!

> “It was not widely known that Katarina Amell, The Hero of Ferelden kept a journal for much of her young life. While only a single fragmentary volume was found among her possessions after her death at Fort Drakon in 9:31 Dragon, it is believed that numerous journals, chronicling the year the Hero spent fighting the Blight, are hidden around Ferelden. The locations of these volumes are perhaps lost forever, thus depriving Thedas of a fascinating perspective of the Fifth Blight from the Warden who gave her life to end it. One hopes that they may be rediscovered in time however…”

— Extract from _Tales of a Chantry Scholar_ by Brother Ferdinand Genitivi, in a chapter from a later edition on his travels during the Fifth Blight and the brief time spent with Warden Amell in Haven and the Temple of Sacred Ashes.

(Scruffily hand-written comment in margins)  
 **“Send as many letters as you like Ferdi, you’ll be getting your hands on Kat’s journals over my darkspawn-nibbled corpse!”**


	2. Entry One - Inquisition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entry was written sometime between Chapter Four and Five of "Of Mages and Monsters"
> 
> Of course Tara would address her diary to the person she most wants to be talking to ;_;
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading, even if these entries will be more bite-sized than the main fic updates.

Day One - ~~what fucking day even is it?~~ Guardian 9:41 ~~Yikes~~

Dear(est) Alistair - It turns out I’m not dead anymore. So that’s new I guess.

I don’t know how the fuck it happened but some weird shit involving an explosion and some glowing lady ended up with me being dropped on my ass in the smouldering ruins of the Temple of Sacred Ashes. 

I’m Alive. Actually, seriously fucking _alive_.

I spent ten years floating through the Fade, fantasising about something like this happening but never dreaming it ever could. How did I get blessed with a second chance? The Maker hasn’t given a shit in forever and I can’t imagine that Andraste is keeping tabs on random mages who manage to get themselves killed doing stupid things like fighting an Archdemon to the death. So who do I have to thank for this unexpected miracle? I don't have the faintest fucking clue.

Leliana is pretty happy I’m here, oh sure she was going to stab me when she first saw my face in the dungeon they dumped my addled ass in - did you know Haven’s Chantry had fucking dungeons?! I mean, it makes sense with the whole Dragon-worshipping cult thing but damn they are not cosy to wake up in. I have aches in muscles that haven’t really existed for ten years so I feel like I’m a crone and a new-born at the same time. 

The problem with being dead for so long that I’ve forgotten how shit works for meat people. I’ve got to get used to eating again - I’m hoping that Haven has got better food than when we were here last time. Sleeping is strange; I’m not dreaming at all but I’ve got a feeling that my connection to the Fade is massively confused right now because I’ve gone from existing only in the realm of dreams to being a flesh-and-blood person who has to find the Fade like normal mages do. Maybe it’ll fix itself soon. I hope so, Curiosity is going to be so pissed.

I woke up a little while ago and found this journal next to me in Leli’s bed - I’m guessing she at least knows about them even if you never told her how many you found. But it’s nice to have a place to try and make sense of my thoughts again, it didn’t quite work the same in the Fade. Sure I can conjure up something that looks like paper and write with something that acts like ink but oftentimes the words that appeared were not the ones I intended to write but the thoughts I tried to keep secret even from myself. 

Maker I wish I knew where you were. I wish you were here to help me get to grips with all this shit that I’ve forgotten. You’d have me laughing in no time with your ridiculously awful jokes that I still find hilarious. I’m compiling a list of everything I need to say to you - it’s going to be a entire book by itself at the rate I keep thinking of more stuff. 

Fuck, I’m exhausted again and I’ve not even moved from this bed. My body clearly wants to make a dent in catching up on all those years of never sleeping or it’s a side-effect of how much fucking magic it must have taken to make me a meat-person. Even miracles cost somebody something. 

So goodbye for now. I’m one day closer to seeing your wonderful face again.

Your Kat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope people don't mind but I wanted to double-post the first bits of this project.
> 
> I've read some really fantastic journal-format fics on here so the idea of having a companion work of just Kat/Tara's journal made a lot of sense to me since it is something that will be referenced often in the main fic. It'll be a place to add more layers of what's going on in Tara's head while all the events of the Inquisition are unfolding and looking back to what was going on during the Blight - once I've got a better idea about how that all went for Kat.
> 
> So I hope people enjoy this extra content and want to read more ^_^ 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are little nuggets of joy to me so please leave them if you like.


	3. Entry Two - Inquisition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's slightly late (for me) to be posting this buuuut I kinda promised Lady_Savannah that I'd get another entry done today. It can be a nice surprise for her :P - speaking of you should really go read her fic [Through Fire or Fury](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13607715) It's awesome and so is she ^_^
> 
> I hope you enjoy this oddly mushy entry.  
> Written between Chapter Six and Seven of "Of Mages and Monsters"

**Day Two/Four? ~~Fuck I don’t know~~ , 4 Guardian 9:41**

Dear Alistair,

Don’t get mad but I nearly fucked up and made this second life a stupidly short one. I’m _fine_ though no matter what Leli says. It was only a Pride Demon. A pretty fucking huge demon but that’s besides the point. I’m alive and it’s not. But Leli was not happy with me and I suspect that when she tells you how I killed the demon then you’ll also be particularly pissed at me.

I’ve made a new friend. Her name’s Liz. While we may only have technically known each other since the Fade got a fuck-off big hole punched through it I feel like we have a prodigious amount in common. I don’t know what exactly but it’s one of those feelings you know? 

The stabilising of the Breach was a lot rougher on her since she’s the one with the mysterious, magical, mark that appears to be able to control these Fade Rifts. Currently she’s unconscious on the bed across me, burning up with a fever that I can only sooth by icing my hand and laying it on her forehead. She’s the healer, not me. I found some notes on healing potions that I’m going to try and follow tomorrow. If I can do _something_ then I’ll feel less like an idiot sitting here watching her toss and thrash. 

I’m scared for her. She may be several years older than I was when I carried the expectations of the world but I at least had a vague idea of what I was signing up for. We have absolutely no clue who or what caused the catastrophe at the Conclave and Maker only knows what effect the mark in her hand is having on her. It was _killing_ her before she closed the first rift. Solas says that the danger is not entirely gone but Liz should be fine once her body and magic has recovered from the stress of yesterday.

Now… Solas is a mystery layered in ciphers and evasion. Considering how much time he claims to have spent exploring the Fade over an unspecified number of years, it’s a wonder that I’ve not stumbled across him Dreaming at least once. Surely the Fade isn’t _that_ expansive that he’s never crossed my path? He’s a damn good mage even if he hasn’t answered a question fully in the two days I’ve known him. But then everyone has secrets and the right to keep them. I’m doing the same after all. 

At some point soon I’m going to have to venture outside this cabin to find food. I’m pretty sure I’m still running mostly on Fade energy as I’ve only had, at most two meals since arriving here and I’m not ravenously hungry. I hope that oddness doesn’t last forever or it’ll make it hard for people to believe that I’m not actually a demon or some shit if I can go days without eating.

Cullen thought I was a demon at first. I couldn’t blame him, considering the last time he saw me was in a void-taken nightmare of a shit situation. But he listened to me and fucking Maker take me, he _apologised_ to **me**. Which still boggles my poor addled mind. He managed to get even more handsome though over these past ten years which is mightily impressive.

Which obviously leaves me wondering at length about how you’ve changed while I’ve been gone. I imagine that time can only improve you in all aspects. And I’ve got a fucking excellent imagination… 

I don’t plan to finish every entry in this journal with wistful thoughts of you, but it became habit long ago to dedicate a portion of my day to you, even though you were never to know. I suppose that’s why I keep writing, in the hope that you will one day get to hear everything I’ve wanted to say since I asked you to forgive me on the top of that tower.

Please say you’ll forgive me again.

Your Kat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I ought to mention that I went and re-read part of [The Best Laid Plans](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13315137) as I wrote this entry and I made *myself* cry. Sooo maybe go share in my misery and read it if you haven't already?
> 
> Any kudos and comments are always greatly appreciated ^_^
> 
> If I get my shit together there will hopefully be a new main fic chapter going up this weekend. So there's that to look forward to!


	4. Entry Three - Inquisition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say this work was going to be updated more sporadically than the main fic!
> 
> But as this journal entry actually appeared in Chapter 19 of [Of Mages and Monsters](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13554531) I thought I'd also post it here as well, so if you are keeping up with the main fic then this won't be anything new.
> 
> I hope folk enjoy it anyway!

** 22 Guardian, 9:41 - Day ~~fuck what is it?~~ 20 ~~?~~ **

Dear Ali,  
Templars are the bane of my fucking life. Don’t worry, I’m not including you in this sweeping condemnation of the Order based on the fact that you were never fully inducted into the Cult of Lyrium Lickers and despite still having the ability to smite mages _you_ never whacked me in the chest with that particular shitty stick. So thank you for that, I guess. 

But Maferath’s venerated testes, I don’t enjoy being smited ~~smote?~~. I don’t remember ever feeling this exhausted and achy before, but it’s not like I can really remember how it felt since the last time I got hit with a Smite might’ve been when we were clearing out Kinloch and that was eleven fucking years ago. 

Imagine if someone reached into your chest and grabbed hold of your lungs, then yanked them out through the spaces between your ribs - that’s about what it felt like for the few seconds I remember before I apparently hit the dirt faster than being dropped off a cliff. Thank the Maker for Liz, I don’t have any bruising from the fall or from the fight up to the point I pissed off Ser Smite-a-Lot. But even after having slept through the rest of the morning and half the afternoon I only just about had the energy to pull myself upright to write in this journal. I feel almost more dead than I did when I actually _was_ dead.

Solas gave me a lovely lecture when I woke up after they’d hauled my unconscious ass back to camp. According to him, I’ve been pulling more and more of my energy from the Fade rather than allowing my body to feel the exhaustion that it’s suffering and properly recovering my strength. He said I was pretty bloody lucky that the Smite didn’t outright kill me ~~again~~ , my own life force was so low without the Fade connection. The thought scared me, I’ll admit that.

Now I’ve got to learn how _not_ to keep drawing on the Fade unconsciously when I’m physically exhausted so it doesn’t happen again. It’s going to be just like those first two weeks after I left the Circle with Duncan. I could barely get up each morning with how stiff and sore I was from walking all day and sparring in the evenings. Ugh, I’m getting too old for being whacked with sticks every night.

Liz and the others should be back soon. They left me behind in camp since Scout Harding managed to send a couple of her people to hold the site for the Inquisition once we move on. Liz said they were only going to head further up the path to Lake Luthias proper but it looked like a reasonably sizeable area on the map so perhaps there’s more up there to explore than could be done in a couple of hours. They better be bringing back something for dinner.

I think I’m going to make a start on processing some of the herbs I’ve got building up in my bag. There’s only so much Elfroot I can carry before I begin putting down roots myself.

I’ll try to take better care of myself. Just make sure you’re doing the same, Ali.

Love, Kat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are enjoying this side-work please leave me a comment or kudos if you like ^_^
> 
> Obviously this all makes a lot more sense if you're reading the main fic so go do that :P
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Entry Four - Inquisition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Folks! Long time no see (on this side-work at least). I'm rather behind in writing Tara's journal entries so this one I'm posting today fits after [Chapter 21](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13554531/chapters/37303625) of Of Mages and Monsters. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this little morsel to tide you over until I update the main fic ^_^

###  **4 Drakonis 9:41 - The Crossroads ~~fuck counting days anymore it's more than 30~~ **

Dear Ali,  
At what point should I worry that I’m not doing enough to prepare Liz for the harsh realities of being the person expected to fix the world’s problems? I know it’s unrealistic to want to keep her innocent for as long as possible but fuck I wish I could have spared her the heartbreak of today.

We approached a clutch of apostates hiding in the Witchwood this morning - don’t worry I did crack the “Witches hiding in the Witchwood” joke right there, Cass didn’t appreciate it but I got a giggle out of the others. 

Anyway, we wanted to persuade them to join the Inquisition - despite Cullen’s assertion that Templars would be better to help close the Breach - Liz is more inclined to gather as many mages as we can find whether they’re a part of Grand Enchanter Fiona’s rebellion ( ~~shit that’s a conversation that needs to happen~~ ) or the stragglers who didn’t belong to a specific faction.

Liz had so much optimism when we went looking for those mages. After months of living like beggars she’d wanted to offer them somewhere to sleep safely, to eat a meal that isn’t scavenged from scraps and take a breath without fear that a lyrium-crazed Templar is poised to bring a sword down on their necks. 

But some mages can’t even trust another mage to be telling the truth. We’ve never been able to entrust our safety to anyone - not to each other, not the Circle and certainly not to the Templars. It’s every mage for themselves in the wilds and a bare handful of the mages in that cave were so adamant that the Inquisition was only another prison waiting to trap them that they preferred to slit their own wrists for the power to destroy us - taking all but five of their fellow apostates with them.

Half that group were fucking _children_ and we could only save four of them.  Four. Fucking Void.

Enchanter Derrick was the only sane adult we managed to speak to before it all went to shit - I think he’s more the kind of mage who’d be quite happy becoming a hermit in the mountains and not bothering anyone so long as they didn’t bother him. When we made it back to the Crossroads a little earlier he seemed somewhat uncomfortable being near so many new people but I trust him to guard the remaining apprentices with his life. He’s also got Ellendra to help until we can clear the road to Haven so provided that none of the refugees in the settlement take exception to the half dozen mages they should be fine.

Liz, however is anything but fine. She’s not been right since the fight in the cave ended. Her first instinct was to apologise for not saving everyone - my heart damn near broke for her. She insisted on building a pyre for the dead mages, even the ones who caused the bloody mess, but the moment the fire was lit she started crying into my chest and only let go once there was nothing but ashes left. I think Solas might have funnelled some magic into it to help it burn faster.

I don’t want to even write down what Liz hissed at me when I told her we shouldn’t head back out in the dark to fumble our way towards Dennet’s farm tonight. She wasn’t in her right mind when she said it and I fucking pray she doesn’t remember because she’ll feel guilty for months and she doesn’t need that on top of everything else.

She’s now just sat next to the campfire, staring into the dark, completely unaware of what’s going on around her. Varric is sat keeping an eye on her, making sure no one tries talking to her tonight, she needs the time to grieve.

Today was only the first serious knock-back and I’ll bet gold that it’s not going to be even close to being the worst loss Liz will have to shoulder in the coming months.

Maker I don’t want to imagine the worst case scenarios.

I’m really craving one your wonderful hugs right now. Even only fifteen minutes in your arms never failed to make an utterly terrible day just that more bearable.

Love, Kat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I expected to be able to keep up a fictional journal when I am the Literal Worst at keeping any kind of journal for myself XD. I originally intended to write this entry back in *checks notes* YIKES September.
> 
> Ah well it's done now. I'll be trying to write an entry for the day Tara & the gang tackle the rogue Templar camp soonish cos fuck knows *that's* going to be intense.
> 
> Until next time folks!


	6. Entry Five - Inquisition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I thought it'd been a while since I posted a journal entry and I don't want to fall massively behind the timeline of [Of Mages and Monsters](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13554531) otherwise I'll find myself having to suddenly write six entries all in one go when the main story hits the more plot-heavy sections.
> 
> This entry was written after the events of [Chapter 26](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13554531/chapters/40716569) of OMAM
> 
> Enjoy!

### 24 Drakonis 9:41 - Haven

Dear Ali,

Today has been quite a fucking mess. We’ve barely been back in Haven a day and I’ve nearly thrown Liz’s twin brother across the Chantry like a ragdoll, got drunk with a mercenary company’s lieutenant, yelled at Leliana and then probably worried Liz even more than I did when I picked Henry up by his shirtfront.

I’m a little nervous of going to sleep right now, my emotions are all over the place and fuck knows that’s a recipe for disaster in the Fade. So here I am trying to settle my mind so I can get at least a few hours sleep before I’ll have to face Leliana - I’m not apologising for yelling at her though. She’s meant to be one of my oldest and dearest friends and she kept the worst possible secret from me for weeks.

Where the fuck are the Wardens? What happened to make you all vanish without a trace? Why the fuck would Leliana not tell me that you were **missing**? I could understand not wanting to worry me in the first few days while I was adjusting to being alive again but then not telling me until over a month after that? It kills me to think that you’re somewhere out there alone - or maybe not alone if you were sensible enough to take Barkley with you - but still, you could be anywhere and I don’t have even the slightest clue where to start looking for you.

If this Warden Blackwall doesn’t have a good answer for the Wardens’ disappearance then I might have to start searching via the Fade which went really fucking badly last time I tried ~~no don’t think about that~~. Leliana also mentioned that there had been sightings of Wardens along the coast north of Lake Calenhad which is where this mercenary company we’re going to meet should be as well - so we might be able to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. 

Maker, where are you Alistair?

The only sliver of good news is that we’ve got to go to Val Royeaux - yes to meet some Chantry Mothers which will undoubtedly be tedious beyond belief - but I’ll get to travel on a ship for the first time that I can remember! I _might_ have been brought to Kinloch from the Free Marches but I only vaguely recall my Templars joining up with the ones dragging Anders back after his second or third escape attempt, so any sea travel is lost to the mists of memory. 

While I know Orlais is going to be vastly more snooty than anywhere I’ve been before, I’m awfully excited to see a city that isn’t Denerim. Liz has promised me tiny cakes and I will be holding her to this promise. But I have a sneaking suspicion that Leliana is going to insist I wear boots in Val Royeaux at least, can’t have the Orlesians scandalised by my bare toes after all. 

I think some of the noise in my head has quietened down now. Or I’m sobering up - fuck I never thought I’d miss having a Warden constitution but I did not expect to be such a light-weight. I wouldn’t mind having to be armed with snacks all the time if it meant I wouldn’t be drank under a table within an hour. It’s frankly embarrassing, I could see the mercenary Lieutenant smirking at me while I was blathering some nonsense after just one drink.

I’ll try to get to sleep, we’re probably going to spend at least half of tomorrow in war room meetings so I need to have at least half my wits about me.

I hope you’re safe, wherever you are.

Love, Kat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At some point I will try to write some of Kat's Blight journal entries but that'll require me to sit down and plan out my Origins timeline which is going to be a heck of a task. But one day... one day.
> 
> Until next time folks x


End file.
